Lockdowns

We’ve been on a kind of long lockdown. However, I always enjoy them lockdowns. When I was in the streets, I had a hard time being away from my wife and always afraid of being alone. Solitary confinements and being placed in lock-ups taught me to get along with myself with few arguments. It always amazes me how adaptive humans are. When I first communicated with you I was not allowed to have pen, paper, radio or anything else. I had to find a way to write and get someone to send it. They only gave me one blanket which was a fireproof type that can’t cover most of my small body. I was like that for two years. They were long two years. But I learned to cherish books, newspapers, radio, tv, mail, communication, etc. There are times when I talked to myself for hours and even responded to my questions and crazy thoughts. … I don’t need to bother you, once again, with my crazy babbling. Sorry.
Things are not too good around this camp. Too much tension. Staff is angry. Prisoners are angry. No one knows the solution. It is a matter of time before something really bad happens. It is sad to find people more reactionary than being pro-active. Please keep us in your prayers.

Our rebellious spirit

I am surrounded by those who rebelled against society, insulted loved
ones and attempted to break the spirit of the pious. These actions were not
done due to ignorance but due to selfishness, wickedness and bad attitude. In
this zoo, we have deprived ourselves of the grace and peace that are available
to all creatures. We tend to repeat our transgressions until our heart becomes
hard and tainted. Our rebellious spirit caused our heart to be diseased. The
cure is available to those who want it. That availability will not be there
forever. Look at past history and see what happened to those who took themselves
to be ruler of the world. They are gone and still Mondays were followed by Tuesdays
and nights were followed by days. Nothing has changed. Their demise did not
change the course of time. How arrogant we are! How wasteful we are! How selfish
we are! We are tested and affected and tried every single day. Few pass the
test and most fail. The sad thing is that we don’t learn from our mistakes.
We keep failing the same test again and again. We blame our failures on others
but never on ourselves. We always say, “He got me mad”, “You made me do it”
… as if “he” and “you” are in control of our life. When did we learn to give
up that part of our existence? I have to learn how to be a helper to those who
want to do good. I know that I am a minority in that field. It is not thus due
to the difficulty of the task. It is simply that most people only care for themselves
and forget others. That path is full of hardship and it is a rough road. That
load is heavy and requires people with hearts full of love and compassion. It
is time for action and not just to sit and wait for someone to do the job. Those
who stand in the way of progress are armed with lies, deceit, and fakery. But
my resolve is strong. I just have to learn how to be a brother even when others
are not. I have to learn how to strive for unity even when confronted with division.
I have to learn how to be a helper when surrounded by hinderers. I have to learn
how to defeat evil with goodness, darkness with light, and drama with peace.
I have to learn so much! I remember when I was surrounded with people of the
same understanding. The goals were high and the path was clear. I still can
live up to the spirit of those days. Why do many of us propagate love but show
hate? Why do they claim tranquillity and exercise confusion? Why is vice presented
as virtue? Where is the balance? What definitions are we applying? Whose dictionary
are we using? If everyone is claiming to a be a victim, who is the villain?
In this zoo I met many who want to rededicate themselves to virtue and make
a sincere commitment to achieve a better future. These people have stopped denying
their responsibilities and stopped blaming others for their failures. They have
stopped the excuses to conduct themselves as productive members of the human
race. I want to be one of them and I want to help them. This world is like all
other worlds. We have gossipers who claim to be advisors, tail carriers who
claim to be peace makers, trouble makers who claim to be doers of good, exaggerators
who claim to be truth tellers, fakers who claim to be fighters, stragglers who
claim to be strugglers, and those who want to be just themselves. I must know
who I am first and stop worrying about the others. Every person is either my
teacher or my student. Those who are good are my teachers and those who are
bad are my students. There are times when it is hard to recognize evil and the
Agent of Evil. I hope that I would able to see evil and avoid it and see good
and strive for it. It is a long journey but I must continue my trek. So far
so good….

The elements of happiness

Fortunate are those who recognize the elements of happiness. These elements are everywhere. If we can only enjoy the elements we are blessed with and hope to achieve the rest. Most of us struggle to have it all. We want it all. Right now.

I always hope and pray for the blessings of having good people in my life. I first must strive to be a blessing for others. I have to make changes in my life. Live for the happiness of others. Be a peace maker. Be an agent of hope. The more I strive to achieve these goals, the sweeter is the victory. People tend to worry too much. Worries are mainly about future events. The mind imagines the worst case possible. Most of what we imagine never happens. We end up wasting our present. Poisoning our minds with fear and anxiety.

One event can destroy our future and bring sadness that can’t be imagined or expressed. It happened to me. It happened to many others who are around me. One single event. The good news is that that event opened a new world. A world that ran parallel to my lost world. Like the old world, this one has people. Friends. Associates. Even enemies. My new world.

I strive to be good to others and remember the feeling when others were good to me. It felt good. I want to share that feeling with others. That too makes me feel good. Am I good to others because it makes me feel good or because it is the right thing to do? I don’t really know and I don’t really care. When I fill my heart with kindness, I find people to be good to me for reasons I may never know. Like that single event that exchanged my world, a single event can help me live in a section of paradise on earth. That door can be opened by one person. Any person. Maybe we met that person and never paid him/her any attention. I must look at each person as the one who may have the key to my door of paradise.

I must speak kindness. Let my speech be a tree that bare sweet fruit and provide shelter from the elements. A favorable word would bring happiness and joy that normally would take years to achieve. Be the source of the golden word.

I must enjoy whatever I lay my eyes on. People I meet are a gift. Those who are good are my teachers and those who are bad are my students. I have to love both. It is hard to do. That is why not many do it. I want to special. I must act special. No, I must be special. However, if I find it hard to love, I must at least be kind. Everything around me is connection to my paradise. The challenges I am faced with are the fare for my journey. At this moment, I may not see how my journey would end but at least I will try to enjoy my ride. I make plans but I am not easily disheartened when met with less than desirable outcome. For there is an ultimate planner and controller.

I have to stay on my path. If I continue on this journey, I will find myself at the right place, in the right time, and with the right people. That is my first stage to paradise.

I promised myself not to overlook others. Never know who may have the answer that would bring me close to my paradise. Likewise, I may be the holder of someone else’s key to paradise. I must be a connection of peace and be someone who cares. When I see someone in need, I must help them fulfill it. I may be the holder of my own key and to open that gate I may have to help others find theirs or I may be able to take them all with me through “my” gate. May be there is only one gate. That way we will never be alone or lost again.

The boxing match

The other night we watched a boxing match between Jones and Trenadad. People had mixed feelings about the final outcome viz. Jones’ victory. As you well know, guys guessed and second guessed the trainers, the commentators, and even themselves. Two guys, let’s call them Jeff and Jim, who were cellmates, had the same arguments. Jeff contended that if Trenadad was more agressive and used his hook, he would have countered Jones’ speed. Jim disagreed. In their cell after the 10pm they suited up using pillow and matrass stuffing and fashioned gloves from sheets and blankets and each of them applied their respective strategy. Unfortunately, Jeff and his Agressive-Hook strategy were no match to the speed strategy. Jeff was beaten! They went to “sleep” but the whole thing did not sit well with Jeff (our Agressive-Hook expert). Around 2 a.m. Jeff gave up on the boxing moves and went Rambo. He got his “hammer” and started stabbing the speed demon (Jim). Jim woke up, snatched the knife from the Hook dude and paid him in kind. Blood everywhere, the screams woke the fans, the referees were called and the match was over. It is now official that the the Agressive-Hook strategy would not have worked for Trenadad.

Time

Time. I never had enough time. I was time-starved like most. I wanted more time. I dreamt and prayed for more time. I was always right on time but never ahead of time. When I drove to work, I woke up at 4:30a.m. to go for my daily run, shower, breakfast, and head it to work at 6:30a.m. It took me an hour to navigate the 30 mile commute. When the driving time lengthened and the distance remained the same and I felt my coming 15 or 20 minutes late to work every morning, I stopped having breakfast at home and decided to “enjoy” it while driving. I reasoned that a 30 minute head start would get me to my destination right on time. Soon, however, I found out that I was not the only “smart” guy in the bunch. As if all of us drivers received some kind of emergency alert or memorandum to skip breakfast at home. I noticed that most of the other drivers were doing the same thing. Everyone was counting off those “saved” precious minutes to get them to work right on time. My departure from home started to get earlier every month. I now wonder about my co-workers who lived over 60 miles away from work. What time did they leave their homes??? I was living to work instead of working to live. I kept asking for more time. Now in prison, I have nothing but time. I feel like the farmer who prayed for rain and got a flood instead. Sometimes you just have to slow down and put things in their proper places. Maybe God is telling our farmer the same thing: Take a break from all that hard work and go fishing instead.

I cry no more

I cry no more. There was a time when I was “soft”. I’d cry when hit hard. I would even cry when abused. My time in prison hardened my heart and dried out my tear ducts. Prison increased my tolerance to endure hardship and pain tearlessly. When abused I now don’t cry. Being disrespected is something expected and, therefore, it doesn’t shock the tears out of my eyes. When I miss my family, who I haven’t seen in over 20 years, I think of my last family gatherings and the love we shared. I don’t cry. I smile. I even face torture as a challenge to my endurance. When tortured, I think of my coach and recall his encouragement and shouts for me to not give up. To never let them see me sweat. I don’t cry even when it is hard because I know that letting my coach down is even harder. I spent many consecutive months in solitary confinement. I had neither reading nor writing material. I did not cry. I “entertained” myself by counting and recounting the bricks on my cell walls. I did not cry. Many times I came up with different brick totals. I did not cry. Other times, I counted the cracks on the walls for you never know when that knowledge can be put to a better use. I spent countless days reflecting on subjects that are beyond my intellect and other topics that are on my level. I wondered on the reason(s) for our existence and I also wondered why a bathroom tissue would be named “Heavenly” or “Sweet”. I had no sorrow nor grief but pain was part of me. I had so much pain that I felt it no more. I did not cry. I prayed and called upon my Creator to help me. No voice, no thunder, no lightning, no visions came about. I did not cry. Silence was all around me. I did not cry. I heard the usual cries and shouts of prisoners far away from my solitary cell. I did not cry. I heard the bangs of steel on steel as gates open and close. I did not cry. I wasn’t the only living creature, yet I was alone. I did not cry. I continued my worship and considered my cell a cave in a high mountain. I looked at my solitary confinement to be a religious seclusion and an opportunity to be alone with my Maker. A retreat. I felt peace, safety and great calmness. I even started telling myself a few jokes and found them to be quite funny. I laughed at myself and at my situation. There was a time when I needed to know what time it was. I don’t know why that was important then. However, by my second Christmas under those conditions, hours or days or weeks did not make a difference. All the days and the weeks were the same. I started using months as my time measurement. I now understand why a friend of mine who spent many years in prison used to respond to those who ask him what time it is by saying “2007″ instead of the hour. Hours have no meaning when you are doing decades in prison. I spent hours, days, weeks and months in the exact same place. Literally the same cell. I was allowed to get one hour every 24 hours for recreation inside an iron cage. I did not participate in that program. Why? I did not like to be disturbed, I refused to interrupt my worship, and I hated (and still hate) prison jewelry (i.e. handcuffs, leg irons, and waist chains). I have been in prison for a long time. Some of the prisoners I now meet were just born when I first set foot into prison. I am a different person now. Not so soft. Not so innocent. Not easily tricked. I no longer care what others think. I speak my mind without concern if the truth hurts or not. No sugar coating in my conversations. Many prisoners were stabbed, killed, had their heads cracked by locks-in-socks right beside me and I just kept watching my TV program or reading my book or walking as if nothing happened. I, too, was attacked. I had my nose and front tooth broken but I did not cry. This past Friday I received a letter telling me that my friend Russell had passed away. I read it more than once. I read the newspaper obituary and looked at the photo of my friend Russell smiling… I cried so much.
A path of patience taken by choice is much more comfortable than that forced upon me by circumstances. For the cold chills that my problems bring become warmth and a cool breeze when they face my coat of patience. To smile against all odds requires redefining the odds. I only love roses because someone told me that roses represent love. I never challenged that notion or definition. A sunflower is just as beautiful and its living characteristics are easily observed as it follows its lover (sun). If I were to express my love to my sweetheart, I’d rather use the example of sunflowers than that of roses …

The young prisoner’s letter

This week, one of the youg guys gave me an envelope. In it was a “letter”. Here is what he wrote…
If God Loved the world… … Why are blacks singled out, profiled, neglected, abused, falsely convicted, oppressed, hated, murdered, and suffering? But regardless of those facts, others (i.e. non-blacks) wanna be black, that is hypocrisy. Don’t they see how hard it is to be black? We are dying by the thousands in Africa. We are killing each other off by the thousands in America. We are the devil’s most valuable players on the chess board. The devil has divided and conquered us. With these materialsitic gadgets such as cards, rims, glasses, diamonds (which are stolen from Africa), clothes, shoes, etc. They have divided and conquered us through drugs and gangs. It is called modern day slavery, only difference, they use us to enslave each other. But non-blacks still wanna act black. That is crazy! Why do they admire us, we are hopeless. We are dying from Aids, drugs, gangs. Black women are in poverty. Black men are leaving their kids behind to run the streets. Black men make up the majority of the prison population. Black women are on welfare, turning to prostitution and drugs. Black men are becoming homosexuals. Black men are becoming endangered. We are losing our children to foster homes, juvenile detentions, the streets, gangs. Black people have surpassed whites in suicides. If God so much loved the world, why is my skin my sin????? …. If God so much loved the world…. why are kids starving? Living in the most inhumane conditions, no mother, no father, nothing. Kids running around sick, their parents have died in a meaningless war and simply labeled a casulty. If a person dies in war, nobody cares unless they were American soldiers. And what are they fighting for? Why are these crooked politicians running the country, fuelled by greed, lies, and murder. The prisident has committed genocide. Murder. Rape. Extortion. Blackmail. Why hasn’t there been a black or Asian or Mexican president? God, do you see what is going on? Satan is full court pressing us. Are you giving up? We are suffering down here man. Especially the minorities, the poor, the women, the kids, the old folks, send us an angel. It is hell on earth and satan just announced checkmate. Does it have to do with us being poor, black, or uneducated???? They are not rebuilding the projects. They are tearing them down. Running the poor out of their havens. They stopped welfare. They are bringing back the draft. They are targeting Muslims, Arabs, Blacks, Mexicans, Ex-Felons, The Poor Communities. Please do something….

Bad and sad things

It has been such a long time since my last entry. I tried to find something funny or happy to tell you about but have not been successful. As for the bad and sad things, this place is full of them. Every single day, something harmful happens to someone. Last night, I was organizing my locker and found the following lines. I don’t know when I wrote them:
A changed occurred inside of me for I have been a prisoner of grief.
I was so scared I lived in fear from day to day, from week to week and from month to month.
But I feel this change inside of me.
O God, please let this grief be gone and help me be free.
I won’t forget the love we’ve shared.
It is in my heart and I still care.
But Today I know that I have changed.
Although my life has been rearranged.
Now I will start my life anew.
The grief is there but the joy is too.
God has led my loved one home to a special place in heaven and God send me an angel that brings me comfort and with whom I am one again whole.
Thank you God for everything.

Advice from an old convict

Talking to an old convict I was given the following advice.
Prison is full with 5 types of people:
1) Crown Thief
2) Game Hater
3) Ear Hustler
4) Salt Shaker
5) Your People
Crown Thief is the person who take other people’s ideas, knowledge, quotes etc and share it with others as if it were his. You find this type of person speaking of places as if he visited them. He speaks of other people’s experiences as if they were his. He tells stories that he heard but he became the hero in the new version. Game Hater is the one who ruins other people’s program. He notices that someone is doing well or trying to do well and he comes to the person and starts sabotaging everything simply because he hates seeing others succeed. Ear Hustler is the one who passes by and does his best to hear what the others are talking about. He stands by a group of people, listens to their conversation while pretending not to be doing so, and spreads the information most time adding to it to give it some drama flavor. Salt Shaker is the one who comes to people and tells them bad things about others simply to make them hate them. He slings dirt on people and when his dirt causes drama, he sits back and enjoys his creation. Your People are the ones that are few and will look after the interests of others even if at the expense of their own interest.
I liked the conversation with this guy. This guy is a black person and very old. I mean very old. He looks like someone you see in them science fiction movies. Skinny, saggy wrinkled skin, bony shape, cunning sharp eyes, and with a smile of a snake. When he told me these words, he whispered them to my ears. He came to me and said, “I have been watching ya for a while. You seem to be decent. Let me give ya an advice.” I laughed after the advice but his laugh was just a grunt. After his advice he continued what he was doing before, sweeping the floor as if nothing happened. This man does not talk to many people. I never saw him talking to anyone else, except for the occasional nod here and there for a hello or goodbye or maybe, to him, is screw you all. He is always there but you never notice him. I just wanted to share this with you. Hopefully you will enjoy it. Take care and I hope all is well with you all.

Father’s Day

Father’s Day was this Sunday. Holidays like Father’s Day are hard on the guys. Most sit quiet and alone and don’t want to be bothered. Few got drunk and kept me and the others up all night by screaming and howling like wolves. On the day, I had an ice cream party. I got 9 pints of ice cream, 15 chocolate bars of ice cream, melted 10 chocolate bars (for syrup), diced some coconut candy bars, added some mixed nuts and sprinkled the whole thing with M&M candy. I made 10 bowls of ice cream heaven. We sat quiet and depressed and watched a movie. I still can taste that blessing but I forgot the movie. It was too much ice cream (if there is such a thing) but none of us complained. I was not depressed but it is not socially acceptable to act cheerful when others are not. So I sat as if I were one of the fellas but my inner happiness was record level. How can you be depressed and sad and on your hand you have God’s blessings? I am trying to see how to make pizza in the microwave. I have everything except flour. Any ideas?